Adventures with the Toddler – Chapter Twenty-five: Big Sister Duties

At 15:20, on May 27, the toddler became a big sister to Wilhelmina Isobel Matier. Our little Billie Goat.

Billie arrived right when she wanted to, in the apartment, thereby turning Da into a midwife, gynaecologist and nervous wreck. Da being the quick thinker he is, man-squealed and called an ambulance when it was evident Billie Goat was coming and coming fast. On my knees with a flashlight, a little knowledge and the emergency services guy talking on the phone, I was Dougie Howser and Mcguyver rolled into one.

The paramedics arrived and the bloke was as big as me with a magnificent beard to boot. Between us (and a little help from the wife), we brought Billie into the world. I got a cuddle on the magnificent bearded fella and now need 7 shots of tequila to feel normal again. Fucking hell. It scared the balls off me.

The apartment looks like… well, it looks like childbirth occurred in it and a fat bastard splashed about in it. Christ on a hover-board.

Now we’re done. No more pregnancy. Ever. I never want to be this sober or terrified again.

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